Empowered Endings

Here at fin we know that contemplating change, endings, death and dying can be difficult and uncomfortable, however we also know that ‘turning towards’ these topics, rather than avoiding them, can help us to feel more confident, empowered and less anxious. At the heart of what we do is the aim to support people, like you, to develop their death competency, to reduce their death anxiety, and to grow their capacity to deal with change and uncertainty. We believe that by doing so, we can create empowered endings for ourselves and others, because endings matter.

CHANGE AND UNCERTAINTY

There is an old proverb which says that the only things we can be certain of in life are birth, death, and change. Change is something we are constantly faced with, from the gentle change of the seasons to sudden and unexpected life-changing events, it is truly unavoidable - life is change. Change can be the shake-up that brings us back to ourselves. It can help us to realign our life with our values and passions, allowing us to live more authentically. Often, change comes hand in hand with uncertainty, and with uncertainty comes stress and anxiety. We tend to feel a lot more comfortable when we know exactly how something is going to play out, but inevitably we can’t ever truly have that option, as nothing is certain. There are times in life when we are forced by circumstance to step into the abyss.

BARDO

With endings there often comes a transitional phase just before and just after, where it feels like we are caught in the between - we have not quite left that something behind and we are not sure what life is like on the other side. In Tibetan Buddhism the word ‘Bardo’ refers to a transitional phase, or the gap between the completion of one phase and the onset of another. Bardo could be the subtle state of suspension we are in while waiting for a text back, or it could encompass the global state of uncertainty that the climate crisis provokes. The gravity of these scenarios differs greatly, but both offer us the chance to become more familiar with, and perhaps less averse to, states of unknowing. At fin we feel that 'sitting with', honouring and exploring the bardo is as important as the ending itself. We encourage our community as a starting point to listen to our 'Bardo Visualisation' if you are looking to explore this concept more.

COPING WITH UNCERTAINTY

So, how do we cope with change? In times of uncertainty we typically look for quick, if not immediate ways to feel safe and certain again, and while this reaction is understandable, it means we can miss out on what can be gained from daring to bathe in the unknowing. What if we took the time to sit with our not-knowing, to become familiar with how it feels, not to resist it, even welcome it as a friend, or teacher?

As doulas, we are trained in this space of not knowing and we recommend booking a one-on-one session or one of our workshops to start to explore this with us.

DEATH COMPETENCY

Emma Clare from our founding team specialises in supporting people to develop their death competency – our skills and capability to deal with all things death and dying related, and our beliefs about our ability to cope when faced with these subjects. With death and dying mainly occurring ‘behind closed doors’ in our modern society, death anxiety has increased, and we believe that by taking steps to rebuild our individual and collective death competency we can improve both our own quality of life, and death, and how we support others. Research suggests that the most effective way of us reducing our death anxiety, and increasing our death competency, is by gradually being exposed to the topic in whatever way feels right to us. For example, some people may feel most comfortable beginning by reading about other people’s experiences of death and dying, others may feel more at ease starting with small, practical tasks such as deciding on a song they would like to have played at their funeral. Whatever feels like the right way ‘in’ to this topic, is the right one for you, and our resources and services offer something for everyone because of this. Book a workshop with Emma here to start your death competency journey.

BOOK A WORKSHOP

DEATH MEDITATION

We also offer a one-on-one session via Zoom or in person guiding you through a death meditation. This is a modern adaptation of an ancient practice re-written for modern times by our founder Katie Rose Whiting and fellow end of life doula Chloe Hope.

In his book Advice on Dying, the Dalai Lama wrote: “It is crucial to be mindful of death — to contemplate that you will not remain long in this life. If you are not aware of death, you will fail to take advantage of this special human life that you have already attained. It is meaningful since, based on it, important effects can be accomplished. Analysis of death is not for the sake of becoming fearful but to appreciate this precious lifetime during which you can perform many important practices. Rather than being frightened, you need to reflect that when death comes, you will lose this good opportunity for practice. In this way contemplation of death will bring more energy to your practice.” Although on the surface the words death meditation may cause some uneasiness, the benefits of it are incredibly positive. Death in this context is not meant to be morbid or unsettling. The purpose here is a reminder that life on earth is precious but finite, and time spent in gratitude is much more enjoyable than time spent in regret.

You can book our fully guided death meditation with Katie Rose here